Gifts to get your homophobic relatives…
It’s 2018. There isn’t really an excuse for being a down low homophobe these days, and still, Aunt Jeanie seems to still find a way to look disgusted when talking about the gays who’ve just moved in next door.
If it’s not her, it’s your ‘old-enough-to-know-better’ cousin throwing around the f-bomb in front of you and the boyfriend, who your mother can only refer to as your ‘special friend’.
Despite the fact that they don’t really agree with your ‘lifestyle’, they will ALWAYS accept a Christmas present without fail. SO, to kill two bigoted birds with one bedazzled stone here are the gifts to get your homophobic relatives!
Milk on DVD
It’s Sean Penn who Aunty Jeanie loved in I Am Sam, and who Uncle Gerard thought was BADASS in Gangster Squad. The film’s set in that simpler time they keep referring back to when men were hairy as hell and wore flouncy flares. It doesn’t have sex scenes to put them off, and the gays are monogamous and play nicely. All they’ll have to wince through are a few gay kisses, (YUCK! Am I right Gerard?) and the rest is pretty tame. Hopefully, it’ll change their minds a little. If not, and they end up cheering when Harvey gets shot in the face, then it’s safe to say they won’t be getting a prezzie next year…
You know they’re used to having a stick up their ass, so it may as well be a vibrating one made of silicone! We firmly believe that stuck-up family members are that way because they haven’t had anything stuck up there for a while…just pop into your fave sex shop and get the biggest, most intimidating-looking one you can find and be sure to ask to have it gift-wrapped. This is also one of those ‘for you but really for me’ gifts, because it’d be silly not to keep it after Aunty Jeanie loses it and throws it at you. The black eye will totally be worth it.
A T-Shirt that they won’t get
This one’s for your asshole brother, who you don’t particularly want to get a gift for, but you know, family. He’ll just think it’s one of those generic finds you throw a fiver at in TK Max. You know he never does his laundry so there’ll be a time when he ends up heading out in that Bel Ami, or Sean Cody t-shirt and find that some blokes are being much friendlier than usual. He won’t understand why he’s getting looks when popping into the loo for a piss, or why the waiter kept winking at him when he was out with his girlfriend. It’ll get to a point where he’ll get convinced that something’s going on, and will Google the words on the tee to realise EXACTLY WHY his taxi driver tried to follow him home the night before.
What most straight people don’t really understand is that gay people didn’t just give them “yass queen”, dressing slutty and Lady Gaga, but also things essential to their everyday life. Us queers are geniuses so it only makes sense that we invented a couple of things over the years. The father of modern computing? GAY (plus probably why they’re not speaking German right now). The inventor of peanut butter? BI! Oh, and basic Aunt Carol, you know how your favourite painting is the Mona Lisa… well, we have some news for you.
The Holy Bible
If they’re using this old book to justify their views, we feel like they should probably read it first. Be sure to bookmark 1 John 4:7-8 because you know they need to hear “everyone who loves is born of God and knows God,” you silly cow. Sure there’s that whole story of Sodom where gay rapists are smote down by God, but if you think that the ‘gay’ part was the issue there, then you need to take a long look in the mirror darling. PLUS you can kindly dog-ear the parts that also ban the wearing of ‘costly garments’, eating pork, speaking in church, eating lobster and having round haircuts. Your sleek bob doesn’t feel as trendy now does it, Aunt Claire?